It’s a cold, sleeting, miserable day. I just pulled into my gym parking lot. As I’m runalking (running, but walking) like a duck to the front door I think to myself, “Geez, it is so slick. I hope I don’t fall.” I make it to the door through the spitting ice and pull it open, stepping my tennis-shoe-clad feet inside. “I made it,” I think to myself. No broken hip. No embarrassing “I’m falling” squeal. No sprawling on the floor like a kindergartener on roller skates. I turn and start walking in. I hear a noise. It’s a buzzing, mechanical kind of noise. It’s loud. As I look down at the tiled floor that is vibrating, it hits me. I look up and there is the Zamboni tile cleaner machine being pushed around buy a guy who I’m sure is nice, but apparently doesn’t understand the dangers of waxing tile floors by the front door during the busiest time at the gym on a day when people’s shoes are covered in sleet. All these thoughts are going through my head as I feel one foot begin to slip, then a not-so-pretty squeal escapes my mouth as I unattractively sprawl to my butt onto the clean and well waxed tile floor. Let me just say, If moms were running the world, this would not happen.
If Moms Were Running the World…
1. They would make sure the end of the world did not happen right before the holiday season. How inconvenient, especially when you know you will have returns and exchanges to make. You know it wasn’t a Mayan mom who thought that one up.
2. They would redesign the Costco milk jug so it would pour into a glass not a glass, the floor, the counter and your shoes.
3. There would be a contingency clause with all vacation plans that if a mom foresees her period coming, she is allowed to reschedule the trip and not be penalized.
4. Road construction companies would run their plans by moms to make sure they understand our traffic patterns before tearing up every highway and interchange at once.
5. Fathers would be able to breastfeed.
6. Chocolate would be added to the top of the food pyramid.
7. They would create a dripless travel mug that would actually not drip coffee down the fronts of shirts while moms are frantically driving their kids to school before the late bell rings.
8. They would put adjustable waist tabs in mom jeans. Cinch them in tighter so moms aren’t flashing crack while bending over or loosen them up after they ate a whole box of Girl Scout cookies. Really, who can have just have one?
9. Zumba would become an olympic sport.
10. There would be world peace, no more hunger and 1/2 off sales every Friday at all stores.
But let’s be honest, if moms alone were running the world there would be a catty feud between Australia and Russia over whose national anthem is better. England and Mexico would be spreading rumors about America’s weight gain and China would be trying to steal Korea’s boyfriend.
Happy early Mother’s Day! Now go rule your world!!